First day of December!! that's what the day is today.. am i excited? Well not really. To think that i have
THREE assignments to hand in, in the next
TWO WEEKS, with
TWO i haven't even started, yea I'm not that excited.
The next question would involve 'What's wrong with me'. For some reason, i don't have any desire at all in my life right now. My driving force weakened. i know there are a lot of people behind my back that i don't want, do not wish to disappoint, but i still have the same pessimistic attitude about life. it's like as if I'm the only one who is suffering while others not. this is like me being angry at myself. yeah, sounded like I'm living a double life ain't it. at times i think that's the case.
So i had three days free last weekend. been stayed at home for those three days. when Hanna asked me how's my weekend. i answered 'work and sleep'. to be honest, i did work but mostly I SLEEP. i do get tired easily during weekend. why is that? i think the sajuk-ness of the weather took control of my desire to finish up my assignment.
So i am a bit cranky at the moment, mainly because my right feet sakit and the fact that I'm having a headache, which is weird because i did have enough sleep. the first class today is a burden to me. all my eyes wanted to do is CLOSE and sleep. i don't sleep easily but recently i can just sleep anywhere anytime. i'm starting to be one of those cha-ya-nun-alif in my class. the class itself was interesting, with constant pain in my head each time im trying to focus, is pretty much distracting.
Busy Busy Busy Busy Busy... that's what im planning to be starting today... that's what i wish to do starting today. that's what i will be!!! i must be!!! there's no more avoidance mas...
NO MORE!!! time is ticking... time is ticking!!!
oh yeah, enough about my ranting.. here's my weekend story. Friday slept at 8.50 ish pm. Early? yea.. too tired. Woke up at 12.38am because of some drunk guy umban a bottle of vodka at my window. Surprised? Very much so. i can even hear the cling cling of the bottle rolling. Nasib baik my window inda pacah. if pacah, what am i going to do. i might freeze to death man~ Saturday! did some work being a good girl n meet dorg c beb, haven't seen much of the Hullians nowadays (sorry you guys..pretty much a social-outcast). Sunday... known to be my malas day and i have to admit how true it is. all i did all day was sit on my bed because the floor is too cold (i need to buy the electrical heater soon). Asmah came to pinjam the jamban because Beb mandi. we talk for a bit. she mentioned something about her coursemate broken up with the girlfriend because of his parents inda suruh sama ia because she has Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA). i was shocked and disappointed. i just read the RA in wiki and for some reason, im really sad and i'm afraid. I know my life will not be the same and i know i have sacrificed a lot. i dont know how much more i have to sacrifice in the future. the future, that once i see so bright and cheerful seems like slowly leaving me behind. Cuma Allah saja yang tahu my feeling right now. Hendak berserah tetapi hendak Berusaha until the last breathe i will take. i dont want to REGRET and yet my Motivation to live just dissipating. i can't believe i even have this thought. Where have the Happy mas gone to? at times i feel like asking for everyone help to make everything go away. is that even possible? i wont be able to love someone. that's the thing i will not be able to give. i'm scared of every consequences. i envy those who have their love ones with them, whether they are happy or sad. they don't realise how lucky they are just to have someone to love them or be there for them.
Enough of the sad story i suppose. or else i break down here at the computer center with people looking at me, which i hate the most.
i want to live this live with full of smiles despite the pain and despair i'm having. So Lord please help hamba mu ini.. Stay strong.. Hwaiting!!!
Labels: 마즈's Life
